I am fighting not only a war in my body, I am fighting a war in my head. I over analyze situations because I am scared of what will happen if I am not prepared for it. Then anxiety sets in because I feel as if I have to figure everything out all at once. I fight this everyday. Recognizing my anxiety has been a wake up call. I thought it was normal to overthink, question myself multiple times a minute and want to fix everyone’s problems. The need to schedule and plan every second, strive for perfection, fearing failure, trying to exceed everyone’s expectations even when I’m killing myself to do it, and breaking down in private to hide the pain. I thought this out of control way of thinking was coping with cancer and life.
They say recognizing is the first step but it is truly the hardest step to take. Accepting that anxiety is part of my illness is like telling me I have cancer for the first time. It’s a punch to the gut. It’s another hurdle to climb over when I just want to bury myself underneath the covers.
Meditation has been a huge part of my life for a while now; but the further I get into my spiritual journey the more I need to quiet those talking moneys. You can imagine how hard this is when you recognize the anxiety is there looming in the corners. The more I become spiritually aware the more I become aware of the anxiety. Waiting to make its move and disturb my peace.
The past month my anxiety has been at an all time high. It has interrupted my sleep, my healing, and my life. I have been walking around in a fog of anxiety and stress. The weight bearing down so hard at times I can’t breath. Today as I laid in bed I finally caught my breath enough to share this with you all. The past couple of years I have shared what it is like to have cancer and to be a point of inspiration for others. But this has been the one thing I have hidden. The one thing I felt ashamed to share and to be open about. Dave reminded me that the reason I started Fabulously Fighting wasn’t to only share about cancer, but any adversity. So I am choosing to share this piece in hopes it will help someone who knows exactly how I feel. Who fears the dancing monkeys as well and just needs someone to understand and get it. This tribe of Fabulous Fighters does not discriminate adversity we embrace the flaws. It’s what makes us unique and flawsome!
So my Fabulous Fighters my thought for today… Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take a moment and marvel at your life. Appreciate the heartache that wisened you, the suffering that strengthened you, the grief that softened you. Despite it all, you are still here and growing. Don’t be ashamed of your story, it could be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison. Don’t be afraid to share it.
Be proud of your Fabulous Self!
“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise.”-Rumi
All my love,