It’s not the how, but the who

“How much pain do you have to go through until giving up is okay?”

I read this quote today and it was perfect for the way I am feeling.  For weeks I have been dealing with vertigo. It is not uncommon with my ailments and side effects of medications. Last Sunday I woke up to vertigo to the point of vomiting and being unable to get out of bed.  Monday we arrived at the doctor’s office for tests and the hope it was an ear infection causing the severe vertigo. What we found out was that I have acute vertigo brought on by “Larry” the tumor on my brain. Not at all what I was hoping to hear.  The feeling of complete disappointment and frustration have washed over me like a tidal wave.

As I sat crying in my father’s arms I said, “This is not living.”  As soon as the words came out of my mouth I wished I could have taken them back.  Cancer has made me question many things but never living.  What I have realized is I am living, I’m just not thriving right now.  Circumstances are overwhelming me to the point of dimming my light, which makes me question my fight.  For 13 years I have fought this demon with the force of 3 armys but as the years have passed and my body weakens, it gets harder to have that force.

So how do I get it back? How do I rally and forge ahead like the warrior I am? I have always relied on Dave to boost me up when I am down.  He is my rock, he can balance me out when needed.  Over the last year and a half as I have really dived into my personal growth journey, I have come to realize that the sturdy branch that Dave can provide for me, to pull me out of the darkness, is only a temporary respite.  I have come to realize that it is me and me alone that can actually rise up out of the darkness and move forward.  It is not about how to rally and forge ahead, but about who can actually do that for me.  The answer is me, and me alone.  I must change my thoughts, my state and my position by pulling myself up out of the pit of despair.

In the last week I have been meditating more, journaling more and have gotten back to drawing and having a creative outlet.  I have also been focusing a lot of energy on a new project and how it is going to help others and add value to their lives.  All of these things combined have helped me start to once again rise out of the darkness of self pity, frustration, exhaustion and doubt.   Please know, that this is a process, it is not without its setbacks or struggles.  On a daily basis, I have to put the work in to focus on gratitude, positivity and to stay above the darkness.  It is up to us alone to create happiness and light for ourselves.  We can be our own best friend or our own worst enemy.  Most of us, without realizing, take the path of being our own worst enemy.  Becoming your own best friend is a choice that you have the power to make.  No one can do that for you.

Namaste My Fabulous Fighters,

xoxo- Fab

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