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The dark side of living in pain

This week for lack of a better word, SUCKED!   A few months back I started with a lupus flare, and was able to work through most of the pain. I was able to keep it at bay with diet, supplements, ayurvedic practice, and healing oils.  This week, however my body had a mind of its own and decided to really give me a run for my money.  In fact I was on the phone with my doctor more than once asking questions, frighteningly wondering how to get through this and if these symptoms where more than just a flare.  I was having almost complete paralysis in my right arm and hand. Swelling in my feet and legs along with sheer agony of stepping on glass every time I walked.  This is the picture of a flare. While this is not a pretty picture this is the look inside my life. More often than not I choose to post the lighter side of living with an autoimmune disease and cancer.  But tonight I am choosing to open up about the darker side of my illness.  Not because I don’t believe in Fabulously Fighting , but choosing to be open about how this affects my daily life. 

I want to be open about the dark thoughts that come along with bearing an illness for so long.  Over 14 years of fighting these diseases and the symptoms that come along with them.  I have learned to have the dark thoughts is normal, how can in not be?  To stay in the dark place and unpack, is not. 

The mental part of this disease can take its toll. Can make you go to that place and make it very difficult to hurdle over.  This week was a hurdle, a boulder,  a freaking mountain that I just couldn’t seem to clime over.   I’ve cried, I’ve been angry and yes I went to that very dark place.  I allowed myself to stay there and ponder the after life, ponder living in no pain, ponder what my life would be like without this ginormous daily health hurdle. 

I found myself  throwing my hands in the air and putting it in Gods hands.  Asking and praying for him to bear the weight of this pain and take it away.  It became a game of bargaining with God- and I know you know what I mean- But we all know that is not how life or God works.  I did however pray more often, read from the scriptures, and lean into my faith.  It did not take the pain away but it did shower me with a calmness I needed and realigned my thoughts, which put me in a better headspace to handle the pain. 

Living with these diseases is scary, but the fear of not living at all, is scarier. So I remind myself of the good days, relish in the support of my amazing family & friends, and wrap myself in the comfort of the love I feel from so many.  

Fabulously Fighting is a mind set and somedays I forget that. Somedays I forget choosing to be authentic and honest about the pain is still considered Fabulously Fighting. 

I want you all to know it’s ok to feel these feelings of disparity and question how you move forward.  Sometimes the pain can take your breath away and make you go to that deep dark place.  My hope  is that you know we are all here to lift you up from the depths of darkness. We are in this together. I hope by sharing my very vulnerable  emotions, this will help someone.

So tonight as I end this article I want to leave you with these thoughts; it is during times of trouble and despair you will be strengthened, not weakened. We often believe that when the rush of overwhelming negative emotions wash over us, we are weak. When in fact life’s trials will make us stronger. How we choose to look at the situation will be the outcome. But it is your choice. And I don’t know about you, but I want to believe and I choose to believe that my struggles have a purpose. We all have a purpose and are worthy of life’s greatest moments.

Wrapping you in Fabulous Love and Light,

xoxo-Fab

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